Kevin It’s halfway through a long 10-hour day, and I’m feeling like someone hit me w/ a 5 ton wrecking ball at Mach 10 speed. I need to force myself through this. To do otherwise shows weakness, and proves everyone right, that I’m no good and that I’m garbage. I’m trying to prove myself out of what happened a year ago, out of the attribute of dogshit everyone assigned to me when they refused to help me, and refused to hire me.
This is the way it has to be for me. Otherwise, someone’s gonna scream at me and there’s gonna be hell to pay tenfold. This is the way it’s always been for me. This is the way it’ll be for me, from now on and forevermore, to the end of time.
I let the anger I feel toward the way things are, and toward the doers fuel me, allowing me to override how tired and exhausted I am.
I’m so cold. It doesn’t matter that I have a hat and a satin bonnet on under it to contain my hair and keep it from breaking and getting messed up, a scarf, my coat, and thick socks on under my sneakers. It still feels like I’m in a building made of dry ice, and nothing’s enough to warm me up. I’m so cold my fingers and hands have gone numb.
I have a mask on. I’ve always worn a mask, since we were told to when the pandemic started almost 4 years ago. I got the vaccines, and got so sick from em that I probably shoulda gone to the ER in hindsight. At the time, I thought if the place I got the vaccine from didn’t care, and no help was forthcoming anyways, then why the hell would anyone in the ER care?
How could it be any different?
Nah, fuck it. They had their chance to care, and they blew it. I suffered through it in silence, like I had to in the past.
It was getting harder to breathe, but it still didn’t matter. I had a job that I was gonna force myself through. If it were up to me, I’d have been at work the following day just to prove myself out of the dogshit attribute.
At the same time, I had to think of the other ppl. As soon as I get home, I’m gonna take one of the covid tests. No matter what the outcome is, I’m staying home for the rest of the week, just to be on the safe side.
It was the longest walk to the bus stop, and it felt like the bus would never come. Finally, a bus came, but the sign read “Bus Garage.”
It can’t hurt to ask. Is this bus going by the clinic? As long as the answer was yes, it didn’t matter. Apparently they were going the regular route until they reached a certain point by downtown, then they were going to the garage.
Fine by me. As long as they were going by the clinic, it didn’t matter. One other person got on the bus, but their stop came long before mine did.
After that, it was just me. The bus barreled down the street in the darkness, and the announcements in that automated voice on the intercom rang loud.
My bus stop was finally in sight. I pulled the cord, and stepped off after saying bye and Happy Holidays to the driver.
The walk home from the bus stop was the longest it’s ever been for me. It may as well have been 40 miles instead, as horrible as I felt.
The icy death tundra this town’s turned into has made the walk feel even worse. But maybe this was everyone’s way of telling me something about myself, and I accepted that.
What if I made the other kids sick? That’ll mean there’s more hell to pay for me, no matter what everyone tries to convince me otherwise.
As soon as I got home, I found a COVID test. No matter what the results, I’m staying home for the remainder of this week, just to be on the safe side.
I shoved that horrible thing up my nose, and waited for the results.
Aaaaaand…it came back positive. Great. Yet another strike against me, and even more things I gotta make up for.
Then the guilt set in. I did everything I could to safeguard my mom when she was still here, when the pandemic started. I made damn sure she was safe, even though I was in harm’s way on the days that ended in Y.
3, nearly 4 years later, I got it. Despite the mask, despite the vaccines that almost killed me. None of it made a difference.
What if I made someone sick? What if my job implodes w/o me? What if I cause everything to go south? It’s all my fault anyway. Always has been, and always will be.
Someone from work offered to bring me stuff like cough syrup or whatever. Up until now, this was theoretical to me. I was never worth any of this from a job before. I can’t be worth it now.
All that aside, I was thankful they offered, and I always will be. At the same time, I couldn’t expose them to harm. It was safer to duke it out alone.
I’ve caused enough misery and suffering. I’ve done enough damage as it is.
I actually needed some cough syrup. I dragged my ass out to the backyard to get my bike, and I had a hard time on it. I felt like I ran 5 marathons back to back, that’s how winded I was.
I watched the bus go by, just like I used to when I couldn’t afford bus fare.
As I rode home from the store, I thought of all the ppl who died in the pandemic, the celebrities, and the average Joes and Janes. I thought about Joe Diffie, and Charley Pride. Both their deaths were preventable, and when I got home, I wondered if that would be my last bike ride. I locked it up in the backyard, and went inside.
What if I died from this shyt? Fine. I was at peace w/ that being a possibility.
The days in isolation dragged by, and hey, I’m still here! I was good to go just before the holiday. The weather was decent, so I took advantage of it. I went on an adventure in some old stomping grounds, and thought back to the rabbit hole I went down on my 2nd day home.
Then I thought about someone coming down w/ COVID at my other job, and how guilty they felt.
I learned that guilt at getting COVID is totally understandable, and it appears to me that this is the norm. Even though I know it’s far easier said than done, this isn’t your fault. This is nobody’s fault. Unless you’re getting in ppl’s faces and coughing, or licking their faces like a dog, it’s still nobody’s fault. Even if those were the cases, getting COVID is still nothing to feel shame over.
Even as bad as I suffered w/ the vaccines, and even though I had a mask on, I still got it. To me, this speaks to how sneaky this shyt actually is, and how insidious it is. This is why it gets around so quickly, and how easy it is to get it.
If anyone out there’s dealing w/ COVID, despite taking the best of precautions, know that this isn’t your fault. I’m sorry you caught this crappy illness. Anyone can get it, and it’s nothing you did. It’s not divine or universal retribution for what you said, did, didn’t say, didn’t do, or thought. If anyone specifically blames you, they can go get fucked. If a job specifically holds you responsible, then either start (or keep) exploring other options, and bide your time. If that’s gonna be the attitude of the Powers that Be at that job, then I hereby order every single one of em to remain perfect, now and forever.
Over to you, readers. Have you gotten COVID, and felt guilty about it, whether you took all the precautions in the world or not? Know someone who has? I’d love to hear your thoughts and takeaways, so drop it all like it’s hawt, and let’s talk.
Missed the previous installments? No worries! I gotcha covered: 35, 34, 33, 32
