Kevin [Content Note: Today’s post talks about domestic violence, or as I call it, domestic abuse. If this is something you’re not in the headspace to read about, I encourage you to give this post a miss, and check out some of my other stuff instead. We’ll kick it together some other time. Deal? On the other hand, if you decide to move forward w/ this post, and it brings up some things for you, reach out to the ppl at the Crisis Text Line. If today’s post is an ongoing lived experience for you, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Stop reading this right now, and get to a safe location. Reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Alternatively, the Hotline has a video phone option for those who are Deaf or Hard of Hearing, 1-855-812-1001. Also included on the website is the StrongHearts Native Helpline, w/ culturally-specific resources for those experiencing abuse w/in Indigenous communities, at 1-844-7628483 by call or text.]
October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Even though I like to call it by the more accurate term, “domestic abuse,” I’ve used “domestic violence” in the title in order to keep things consistent. Whichever term you use in order to refer to this, I wanna make it clear to everyone reading this that nobody deserves abuse, and that includes you. Domestic abuse and domestic violence are NEVER the victim’s fault.
The perpetrators always choose to act like this and behave abusively, no matter who they are, and what happened to them in their pasts.
This is why I don’t call it an ‘abusive relationship.’ To me, a relationship or a partnership implies equality, and there’s none of that to be found w/in an abusive dynamic. Instead, I call it an ‘abusive involvement.’
This year, the theme is “With Survivors, Always.” This year, we get to explore what it means to be in partnership w/ survivors in terms of safety, support, and solidarity.
One example of solidarity comes to me from a tipster who sent me this post over at ExpressVPN talking about digital safety for survivors. This tipster is passionate about helping those w/in vulnerable populations, and survivors of domestic abuse are among our most vulnerable. Since abusers rarely give up easy b/c of their entitlement, and the increased danger is very real after someone leaves a dynamic where there was domestic abuse, digital safety is crucial. Companies that recognize this, and develop a solution to help keep survivors safe are companies that deserve to succeed across the board, imo.
The other blog posts there are definitely worth checking out as well, and if I’m ever in the market for a VPN, I’ll see what’s what over at ExpressVPN.
Another example of solidarity and support I noticed was on the Domestic Violence Awareness Project website, where they included a phone number for the StrongHearts Native Helpline. That’s StrongHearts’ website, btw. Domestic abuse against those racialized as Indigenous or Native American adds to the generational traumas already there, and including the StrongHearts number shows solidarity among communities. Domestic abuse survivors in Indian Country can also be dealing w/ additional barriers when seeking help, and survivors may also have limited resources to access that help on top of it. This is where the StrongHearts Native Helpline comes in, and they can help callers, texters, and emailers age 13 and up find culturally-specific resources that will put them on the path to healing from what happened to them.
According to this post on the StrongHearts website, violence against teens in Indian Country is disproportionately higher compared to teens from outside communities, and 80% of women and teens in Indian Country have experienced violence. That same post talks about how it’s easy for teens to mistake questionable behaviors from potential partners for signs that they care, like if a guy doesn’t let a girl talk to someone else, she may write it off believing that it’s cuz he cares so much.
It also doesn’t help that social media, TV shows, and movies often blur the lines between what’s a green flag, and what’s a cause for concern among the characters in committed partnerships on these shows. When someone isn’t shown what a healthy relationship looks like, sounds like, and feels like, it makes sense that these red flags become normalized, or worse yet, something aspirational.
This is nobody’s fault. When those red flags become normalized, it’s harder to tell the difference between what counts as a safe and healthy relationship, and what doesn’t.
On that note, movies and TV shows often show domestic abuse in extremes. It’s important to remember that books like Black and Blue (as well as the 2000 made-for-TV movie version), and movies like Enough and Sleeping w/ the Enemy are not benchmarks to measure our own experiences against. It’s very easy to think that if these fictional examples aren’t a carbon copy of our own stories, then it can’t be all that bad.
None of that is true. I’m gonna say this a bit louder for the ppl in back: NONE OF THAT IS TRUE!
Abuse can look any number of ways, and even then, abuse can look differently from one survivor to another. It doesn’t have to match whatever we see on TV in order for it to count or matter.
If whatever your partner did to you caused you harm, be it mentally, physically, or emotionally, then it counts, and it matters.
Anyone who mocks a survivor and says stupid crap like “ABC and XYZ didn’t happen, so what’s the problem,” or “There’s no this, that, and the next, so you’re making a big deal over nothing” is part of the fuckin problem.
Anyone who treats survivors so callously makes it that much harder for us to seek out help a second time, and if whoever says stuff like that is part of a so-called “quality agency” in town, then it can feel like a statement against other local resources if that’s anything to go by.
If you’re a survivor, and you’ve gotten similar clapback from ppl whose one job was to care and support you after what happened to you, know that none of what they said or did to you means anything about you. Don’t for one second believe their horseshit lies. You deserved safety and solidarity from them when you took that brave step to reach out for help, and I’m sorry that wasn’t forthcoming on their end. While it may not be the same, for whatever it’s worth, you have solidarity from me.
I see you. I hear you. I believe your story, and I’m so sorry you went through what you did. You matter to me, and I give a damn.
This was a very heavy post to write, and this is a heavy post to read through. If you made it this far, thanks. I mean that! I’d love to hear your thoughts and takeaways, so drop it like it’s hawt, and let’s talk.
With survivors, always.
