Kevin If you’ve been around here for more than a nanosecond, you’ve probably seen me post about the shitload of spam emails I get, and the spam comments that never make it to publication. That’s right, it’s time for another installment of the Spammers’ Showcase, where I find the choicest spammy, super sus emails emails and comments I get, take screenshots, and roast em for funsies. As always, all identifying deets will be obscured, on the off chance they’re pretending to be someone real. Usually their emails are fake AF, but better safe than sorry.
Before I go any further, I should also mention that I endorse none of these stupid bullshit products, and I never will. Avoid these products and their websites like the plague. Anyways, for this installment, it’s time for some girl therapy. Get in, loser. We’re going “shopping!”
First up, we’ve got an email w/ a loan offer!
Yeah, this doesn’t feel at all sus and scammy, amirite or amirite? Here, the sender of this lame email is telling us to act now, or else. No legit email will demand immediate action, no matter what it is. Notice the “sir/ma,” salutation. This is a generic greeting, and the sender of this horseshit email has probably sent these out by the thousands. To scammers, it’s a numbers game, as sickening as it is to even think about. When you’re sending out that many, it’s hard to keep track of who’s who.
The old saying holds true here: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If you’re looking for a loan, there’s always your local bank. Go there instead.
Moving on to our next offer, here’s a good one:
The Thaw King. Coming soon to a Williams Sonoma and a Sur La Table near you…said no one, ever.
I don’t get it. Wouldn’t a sink and warm water work just as well? A dedicated tray of some kind? Or some time in the fridge, or even on the front porch if it’s cold enough outside? Apparently there’s similar items on the market on Amazon, and have been for several years according to this post from 3 years ago, but I strive to avoid Amazon when and where possible. So, if that post is anything to go by, this dopey Thaw King is something we can do w/o in the scheme of things. Besides, it’ll just be one more thing to clutter up my kitchen anyways.
Moving on to the next kewl thing:
Totally not sus, gaiz! Anyways, this email’s selling us a weight loss quick fix, which one of these things is not like the other. One of these things just doesn’t belong. Just as the snake oil salesmen of the 1880s took major advantage of those who didn’t know any better, these questionable companies do the same for those who are probably at the end of their rope trying to lose whatever weight they need to. I’ve been there myself, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
However, as someone who’s on track to re-lose some weight I’ve gained back, I felt myself going back to entertaining ideas of weight loss formulas and shakes. Thankfully, there was something that kept me from going through w/ any of it, but either way, I’m glad I never did go through w/ any of those ideas. If this is your story, know that my heart goes out to you, and that you deserve better than these janky quick fixes. Get in touch w/ your doctor, and talk about some next steps to take instead. You’ll be better off in the long run. I guarantee it.
At the end of the day, w/ this and other similar quick fixes, the only thing that’s gonna lose weight is your wallet, and that’s what I hate to see happen to anyone.
Boy, this shopping trip’s wearing me out! It’s gotta be the weather, since we’re due for something big in that department. Let’s stop at this little boutique, shall we?
Hmmm. Something’s rotten in Denmark here. *sniff sniff* I smell…bullshit. The site’s About Us section claims that they’ve been in business since 2021, but their Whois indicates that their website’s less than a year old. I get that we all had to start somewhere, but generally, where there’s smoke, there’s fire. It’s also pretty telling that the Yelp page that shows up in the search results for this company is gone. I bet dollars to donuts that none of this stuff is real. Big shocker, eh?
OMG, I think I see something! Let’s go have a closer look. Oooh, check this out! This’ll be sooooooooooo much fun to have at my day job and my summer job…/s.
There’s a warning that popped up, stating that this is possibly a phishing website. That tells me all I need to know about this little thing o’ beauty. Phishing website aside, I bet this stupid backpack is probably the antithesis of “waterproof,” which means whatever stuff you got inside will be toast in a deluge.
It’s been a long day of window shopping scammy dumpster fire horseshit, so let’s top it off w/ the choicest of dog collars, straight off the runways of Paris, London, and Milan.
Yeah, I’m sure my dog, assuming I had one, would just love a personalized harness that’s probably made from upcycled Pripyat hotel beds, and probably smells like a butthole inception to boot. Here it is, guys, gals, and nonbinary pals: straight to us from the most exacting sites of ill-repute, complete w/ a nice dose of computer AIDS. Same story as before, my browser identified this as a phishing website, which is literally never a good sign. If you’re in the market for a dog harness, just go hit up your favorite local pet store, since I’m all about supporting small businesses. If price is a concern, there’s always Wally World. It’ll still be of better quality than whatever this crap is.
Moral of the story, peeps: any company that thinks they need to resort to spamming ppl outta nowhere in order to create that buy-in is either new, or they’re up to no good. Over to you, readers. Have you ever come across any emails like this, or actually bought from these companies? I’d love to hear your thoughts and takeaways, so drop it all like it’s hot, and let’s talk!
Missed the previous installments? No worries! I gotcha covered, right here: 11, 10, 9
